The end of 2020, The end of my life?

Can you put a price on Human Life?

Hi, my name is Paul, I am a 43yr old father of 2. Well… let me tell you a bit about myself.

Born in Nova Scotia, in a small town called Westville. Population, under 3628.

Westville is part of Pictou County, about 1 hour 45 mins North East of Halifax.

Respectfully, I had a typical kids life, growing up in the 90’s, best dam era ever!

I had no idea that come Oct 1st 2020, my life would be turned upside down.

I started working when I was 15 years old, mainly labor stuff no one else wanted to do. Worked digging holes for satellite dishes by hand.

16 years of age, I landed a job at a local warehouse, I loved that job… worked my ass off to be fired by a 1970 pimp looking asshole, because he forgot he approved a day off.

Between work and school, I started to discover I had issues. I started acting out, started to have emotional breakdowns, started missing work and school, started hanging out with the wrong crowd and started to have thoughts of ending my own life.

Well back then there was no such thing as depression or anxiety, it was always “Get the hell over it”

I now after almost 30 years understand what was causing this, but at the time I thought I was going nuts!!.

Keep in mind, I NEVER abused drugs, and I never was one to drink much.

Lets jump ahead to age 18. I met the love of my life, we had a child, moved in together and got married… ya know typical life shit.

Little did I know that I was controlling, possessive and downright an asshole. Mind you I NEVER raised my hand to my wife or kids, but verbal and mental abuse is just as bad. Keep in mind I still don’t understand I have issues.

We struggled for 3 years, and had our 2nd child. Not begrudging ever having my son, but the state we were in, no one should bring a child in that world.

Jumping ahead, year 2000. Landed a job I thought was the cats ass, and could lead into a career.

This job started out great, I moved up very very quickly, winning awards, getting performance bonuses and all that fun shit I dedicated my life to this job, only to find out the employer was a downright despicable ass. Used their employees until they broke, then tossed them aside and used the next.

Needless to say, 10 years of hard work, I finally broke. I became really bad mentally, and this is when I started to think more and more of ending my own life, I hated everyone and everything. FINALLY I sought help.

Medications and therapy to find out I am manic depressant, server anxiety disorder and sudden bursts of rage, borderline PTSD. (dunno what borderline PTSD means).

After a few years trying different meds, and my wife leaving me for 6 months, I found a med that works, and I have been on it ever since.

The next few years I bounced around, job to job, only leaving because the contracts ended, to find my place. Started working for a security firm, based out of NSCC in Pictou. Great hours, no one to bother me, I ran my own show. I hit it off with the owner right away and because more of a corporate man then a grunt. I LOVED this job, so much that NSCC hired me part time as maintenance as well. I was so relaxed here, it was the career of my dreams. Guess what, a new maintenance supervisor was hired, and he scrapped the contract for my job via the security firm, and laid me off from NSCC. Unemployed again.

Long story short, years have passed, I have no gumption to look for a career anymore, There was a whole thing about going back to school, but I backed out because my wife and I were going at the same time, but with the kids only one of us could focus on the future.

Anyways, I am rambling, I need to jump to the year 2018, Basement stairs had to come out, so me thinking “Hey I have the free time” ripped them out.

BIG Gaping hole in the floor. Guess who fell through it….. YUP this old bastard. 14 feet,

Landed on my left hip/ass cheek. Scared shitless, I started screaming what I thought was cuss words, but I guess it was just gibberish.

Laying there waiting for the EMTS, trying my best not to move, pain starting to get intense, all I could focus on was the fact I couldn’t move my legs.

Seemed like forever for the EMTS to get there. I started feeling the burn going from my middle lower back and down my legs. Thank christ they started moving again. Paramedics come in, check me out and state they don’t think any is broken. He asks me “do you think you can stand?” I said “yeah something digging in my back” so they helped me sit up to find out a 6” rebar dead center of my lower back is what I landed on. The only thing that kept it from penetrating was a small piece of plastic over the top of it.

Fearing damage maybe a bit more than thought, the Paramedic jumps on the radio, tells whoever to put Life Flight on standby. For those of you who don’t know, Life Flight is a helicopter medevac.

Unknown to me, another ambulance was waiting outside, according to the EMT things like this are usually real bad. But I’ll explain that in a moment.

So the EMT says he is going to do a 2nd over, starts at my neck, works his way down. Finds small cuts in my lower back and into my ass crack, but that’s about it. He said the only thing that saved me from hitting my head, was a bag of pop bottles my head landed on.

He asks me again, Do you think you can stand… Well at this point, I am pissed, annoyed and just want to go have a smoke.

I sign the waiver, 2 EMTS help me up and I walk to the ambulance.

Dead middle of winter, no jacket or even socks on, here I am laying on this stretcher, feet hanging out the end because I am too friggin tall for the ambulance.

The lady does what she does while the male EMT explains: “Normally with these calls, there is blood and bone all over the place. Very serious injuries which could constitute Life Flight. I don’t want to say you were lucky, because luck had nothing to do with it. Because you are a big boy, it saved your life.”

Needless to say, I didn’t want to go to the ER, signed the waiver and sent them on their way.

Came into the house, went to get a shower. As soon as I took my paints off I found I was purple from the middle of my back, right around to my belly button and down to my knee on my left leg. I put it outta my mind.

Took me about 3 months to fully recover from this fall… or so I thought.

Jumping ahead 3 years, this takes us to Oct 1 2020. I go to my doctor as my back is getting worse and worse. The doctor sends me for x-rays. Guess what!!! A fracture in L4, compression fracture in L5, degenerative disc disease and arthritis up the spine.

Ya Ya I know what your thinking “you should have gone to the hospital” I know I should have, a lifetime of pain and suffering could have been prevented.

Injuries bad enough right? Well that isn’t all…

I had an episode where my heart would race, skip beats which would throw me into a panic attack and make things feel like death.

Brought this up to the doctor. After a million tests, 4 different sets of blood work, a dedicated cardiologist, I find out I have what you call ventricular hypertrophy, for those of you who don’t know what this is, google it. To sum it up, it means my heart is like the hulk, big, muscular and angry.

Ok np problem, controllable with meds….. Right? …..

Yes, but that’s not it…. They don’t know why my heart rate is super highland they don’t know why my heart is skipping beats.

More tests to come, more travel to come, and more meds to come.

Bad right? Between Oct and Nov I found out I broke my back, will live in pain the rest of my life, no pain control because I have heart issues, finding out about my heart issues. How can a person who already has a mental condition handle this?

Well I am not done…..

With the blood work for my heart, I find out my blood sugar is all out of whack. You guessed it. Diagnosed with type 2 diabetes.

More meds to pay for now, and a whole new diet, way of life, monitors, test strips and so on and so on.

Keep in mind, I am still not employed, and no medical.

So anyways now between Oct and Jan broken back, pain all m life, major heart issues, Diabetes. Enough is enough!!!

Nope

While testing the internal medicine doctor says she is concerned about my sleep habits. While wearing a halter, she saw up to 90 heart issues an hour.

Yup you guessed it! Sleep apnea. Had my test, and it was so severe, they gave me the machine for a trial. Normal people have 5–10 apneas per hour, I am up to 91 so I am in need of this equipment.

Now let’s break this down. From Oct 1 to today’s date. Broken back, pain the rest of my life, major hearts issues, diabetes, and server sleep apnea.

I am not employed, no medical insurance, a wife and kids to think of, on 10 different pills, need to by a $3000 machine to keep me alive while I sleep.

How the hell can I afford this? I can’t work because of my back and heart. Now I know what your thinking “yes you can just get an office job or something”

Well… I can sit for about an hour, lay down for about 2 hours, and stand for about 45 mins, rinse and repeat. Even an office job won’t work. I tried.

Friends and Family are helping me out as much as they can, and I love them dearly for everything they do.

I cannot expect them nor would I never ask them to fork out the money I need just to stay alive.

Pharmacare in NS is garbage, it covers NOTHING!

I tried every insurance broker I could find and no one will insure me because of my medical issues, I did find one but they hardly cover anything.

I guess that a price can be put on human life!!! I know what mine is worth.

Thank you for reading, this is my rant.

If you would like to donate to help me out:

ETH: 0xF1688343b4c406f6933e15Cd9811a9EDcefE6808

Paypal: blue.pcrawford@gmail.com

EMT: p.dcs.02@gmail.com

Thank you, and God bless.